Culture is when you leave bread alone for too long so it sprouts baby green fur to keep it warm and make friends with it. Unfortunately some humans do not appreciate this culture and throw said bread into the dustbin. In the dustbin there can be many wonderful things. These can include dead animals, with lots of friendly culture, rotting foodstuffs which can smell rather pungent and plastic. Plastic lacks culture and is often dismissed by other inanimate objects as being uncouth. However, plastic likes Opera quite a lot, which could be considered culture. Green Styrofoam tends to prefer using Safari or Firefox and is therefore clearly this more sensible of the inner bin culture.

The undisputed bimbo of inner bin culture is normally tetra-pack cartons in which one can buy Apple juice. These cannot unfortunately be recycled and therefore have to stay with the used sanitary napkins as they are snubbed by the other trash. The pretentious rubbish tends to be apple cores and orange skins, since they believe they belong with the compost. The compost bin has a completely different culture. All of the inhabitants of a compost bin are aware of their physical deterioration and therefore become, however briefly, deep thinkers. Some of the world’s greatest philosophers are in compost bins, slowly rotting ready to be put on the roses. This knowledge of their purpose creates within the compost bin a culture of waiting intently.

Dust bunnies sometimes like to canoodle and rub each others fluff off. Other trash sometimes objects to being covered in dead dust bunny fluff which can create tension within such a confined environment. Dust bunnies are even snubbed by sanitary napkins, which tend to feel they are halfway to being organic. Believing this harms nobody and allows them a simple outlet of doing SuDoku in their minds. They would probably do it on paper except they cannot hold a pencil owing to their lack of opposable thumbs.

Opposable thumbs can be very useful when one is trying to become cultured. For example, many an apple core has expressed a desire to play the harp before cursing its lack of thumbs. To be cultured involves many things. To be truly cultured, one must have seen every episode of the Twilight Zone and renounce seasons eight and nine of the X-Files. It is possible to fake culture using these two devices but one must be careful not to make up too much stuff. A simple “Well, of course it wasn’t worth it when Mulder left,” will suffice. If those around you ask what you are talking about, you can just look down on them as being uncultured. However, if you pull this trick on your friends, you are as pretentious as the apple cores and deserve to live in a bin.

Another aspect of being cultured involves spending a lot of money to look at underpaid people being overworked. This can involve ballet, opera or art. You can tell it’s art because people have taken their clothes off. There is also generally an urn. If you are not sure whether it is art, you should look for the urn. If it is not there, you should put down all your $1 bills and leave very quickly. On no account should you be tempted to remove any of your clothing, or you could end up with an entirely different kind of culture.

Removing ones clothes in public is okay if one is eccentric. You can tell you’re eccentric because when you make wacky demands, people smile condescendingly instead of looking at you in an odd manner. You only get eccentric after you have been cultured for many years. It also involves lots of money. Another way to tell if you are eccentric is to get drunk at lunchtime and mimic the mating calls of various animals. Dolphins are quite effective in this instance. If people ply you with more drink and giggle, then you are either eccentric or you are at college. If you are at college then you have missed a lecture. If you haven’t missed a lecture then you can be quite sure that you are eccentric.

When you are eccentric, nobody says no to you except for your children. If your children say no to you, you can have them taken out back and shot. That is okay when you are eccentric. Nobody blames you for anything. You are also allowed to flirt with the footman, but never the butler. Nobody is ever allowed to flirt with the butler. This is culture.

Having a butler is very important if you are cultured. Butlers are what is known as a sub-culture. This means they have to be shorter than the rest of us and they like sandwiches a lot. Their favourite kind is veggie delite on the spicy Italian bread. They don’t like it toasted. They always have cucumber and lettuce and never ever tomato. This is because all of them were boot boys once and boot boys notoriously hate tomato. If you know the first name of any of your boots boys, you are not cultured. Boots boys are not made of boots.

Cultured people like to go on cruises and spend a lot of money on champagne. They also have shiny cars. Cars sometimes have oysters in them. This is so the oysters can go to parties. Oysters have their own culture because they grow pearls. Pearls are important in all cultures except dustbin culture. Even though pearls are organic they would not fit in the dustbin or the compost bin. This is because they are considered beautiful. Beautiful objects are associated with culture because cultured people like to collect them. I plan to collect children and frame them when I am old enough to be eccentric. That way when I have my children taken out back and shot I can just take the nearest one from the frame like a vending machine. Redheaded children would make you look the most cultured but they scream more than normal children. For this reason I will breed redheaded children with no mouths. When I take them out walking I will inflate them and hold them on strings like helium balloons. When people ask what I am doing, I will have my butler hand them a spare child and imitate my dolphin call. For this reason, many children will need to be created. Perhaps the spares can be kept in jars.

It has been said that the FBI should be kept in jars. Nobody who is cultured would say this. The FBI would be a subculture except that other than Scully they are all taller than you. Scully was miserable and this is a well known fact. This is because she spent her Friday evenings getting book-cultured rather than going out and sampling the real culture. There is a lot of culture in night clubs. One bowl of peanuts can contain over 20 peoples urine. That is known as culture, too. This culture comes about because people do not wash their hands after flushing. Perhaps their mothers did not teach them to do this. Perhaps they had no mothers. Because of this unfortunate circumstance, people should be pitied. If someone does not wash their hands then they will never be cultured. They should be made to wash their hands and also behind their ears. This way when someone falls in love with them and takes them to the races they can have their hair up without being ashamed of the potatoes that grow there.

When one is cultured on does not eat fries. Instead one eats over sautéed potatoes. One can keep the motherless ones next to the compost bin and farm behind their ears for potatoes for dinner parties. At dinner parties everyone can have a mouthless redhead as a party favour. The motherless ones will be quite happy thinking deep thoughts with the composting rubbish. They can muse on the futility of life together. After all, this is what culture is all about.